


white lies hold a hidden truth

by rvnjunies



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, M/M, Sad, Underage Drinking, i was listening to face by brockhampton, make outs??, mark smokes btw, nct dream is in a band lmao, pure angst, tbh it aint that good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 07:23:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rvnjunies/pseuds/rvnjunies
Summary: where donghyuck seems to always be sad and mark continuously finds himself holding him in his arms.





	white lies hold a hidden truth

**Author's Note:**

> i was kinda sad when i wrote this, it's not proofread either so sorry in advance for any mistakes. <3

mark dreamt of this.

the loud music from their practice room was muffled, though it wasn't from the locked closet door but from the fuzziness that was slowly overtaking mark's mind as the warmth of donghyuck's body was pressed against his. he was warm, his lips tasted like coffee with hint of mint from jeno's gum and mark could feel himself drifting as their hands roamed each other's bodies.

these moments were something mark figured could only happen from his late night thoughts when he'd watch donghyuck effortlessly sing throughout their practices before gigs, or when they'd all stay out late to roam the city of seoul. he knew he'd never be able to fully grasp donghyuck's hand, or feel his warm lips pressed against his skin.

despite having everything he had ever wanted in front of him, he was unsure of how this made him feel, how donghyuck made him feel. a part of him wanted to think that donghyuck truly felt the same, that he wanted him the same way as mark did. he yearned for that, to have this boy with the smile as bright as the sun and the laugh that is coated with sugar want him.

but when donghyuck's hands began to trail up mark's waist and his lips were swelling from the amount of kisses they were sharing, all of those thoughts were pushed away waiting to appear again later when he would wake up to an empty flat and an empty bed.

as of now, he wanted to completely be engulfed in hyuck's touch. he wanted to just feel the boys soft lips against his as he continued to whisper sweet words with his voice that was drenched in honey straight into mark's ears. he knew donghyuck fed off of this, he got lost in the way mark would melt whenever he was even near him. mark felt embarrassed, but the overwhelming want for donghyuck would overcome the embarrassment and leave him a breathing mess.

but could anyone help this? to have the one person you've always wanted in front of you, giving themselves to you completely. could one just push them away?

mark knew this wasn't what he truly wanted, but rather than fighting it he let himself melt into donghyuck's touch because he's too entranced with the boy standing before him. in this moment, he wouldn't mind being alone tomorrow if it meant he could have all of donghyuck now.

|

it was one rather lazy day, the rain was trickling down the windows of mark's apartment. mark was laying in bed mindlessly scrolling through his phone when a few knocks from the front door startled him into dropping his phone right onto the bridge of his nose.

he was stumbling to get to the door, as he looked through the peek hole he could feel his heart beating in his throat. he stumbles back a bit before running back towards his bedroom, he grabs a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. the knocks start again, only they're more aggressive this time around. as he rushes back, mark stops to fix his hair in the mirror.

"hey...hey donghyuck-" mark is pushed back by donghyuck immediately planting a kiss onto his lips while harshly closing the door behind him.

mark felt fuzzy again, but he knew the meaning behind the rushed kiss. he pulled himself away and looked towards donghyuck, he wasn't soaking wet but he must have been cold from the dampness of his thin sweater. as mark observed donghyucks face, he saw how he avoided his eye contact by staring towards the ground.

"please mark...." his voice sent the chills through mark's body, he watched how he slowly shuffled towards him and placed his hand inside mark's. it was beyond freezing, but mark still managed to warm him up.

"did...did he-"

"let's not talk about," donghyuck presses a small kiss onto mark's lips.

mark's mind sighed, but his body lit up from the kiss. he wanted this, but his heart ached for more. he didn't want to just be the guy donghyuck came too when he wanted a get away. he didn't want to hide this, he wouldn't hide this. though, he knew the risk of that. he could lose hyuck, or they could continue their rendezvous.

and that was how they ended up on mark's couch, donghyuck had his head pressed against mark's chest and he ran his fingers up and down the hyuck's honey colored skin.

he was warm.

mark looked down, watching as the boy giggled at the stupid cartoon mark had played on the tv. donghyuck was so close to him, he was in his arms, he was right in front of him. even though mark was holding the boy who made his heart pound harshly in his chest, he still felt so far away from him.

he was still out of his grasp.

he felt the pit deepen in his stomach, this was a feeling he had grown accustomed too. with each and every visit he had with hyuck, he could feeling the hole continue to expand and he knew one day he would be completely consumed by it which terrified him.

mark did fear that feeling, the numb feeling but when hyuck connected their lips, held him, or even breathed near him, for a split second it was gone.

"hyuck what is this...." he mumbled, watching as hyuck's smile slowly turned into a tight line.

suddenly, mark's arms were empty and donghyuck was sitting up staring at mark. as he worked up the courage to face donghyuck, he could see the emptiness that radiates off of them as they burned holes through his forehead.

"mark, your eyes are so mesmerizing."

there it was.

mark felt the heat rush to his face when donghyuck placed a hand on his cheek, slowly caressing it. he softly smiled before placing a sweet kiss on his forehead.

make inhaled while his eyes slowly closed at donghyuck's touch. his whole body felt as if it had dissolved into the couch and before mark knew it, they were at it again.

mark couldn't help himself, he loved the way donghyuck's lips felt pressed against his. he gave into hyuck's hands tangling themselves in his hair while he pulled the younger closer to him.

it was stupid, mark was so stupid. he knew that. but donghyuck was also everything he ever wanted, so he let the pit grow even bigger.

|

later that same night, mark cautiously snuck out of the bed trying his best not to wake donghyuck up.

sleep was always out of the question when donghyuck was next to him. some nights, mark would just sit up feel all of those thoughts run through his mind. they would continue to just overflow all at once until mark was a quiet sobbing mess.

he hated donghyuck so much sometimes, he knew he didn't give a shit about him. mark was the dumb one, the one who would always open his door to him, the one who would always comfort him. the one who was always there for him.

mark sat on the ledge of his window, a tray with his wraps and bag on it. he sloppily rolled a quick one then lit it up. his first hit was long and big, he leaned his back against the side of the window and leaned his head back before exhaling.

he scoffed while examining the small item in his hand, "yuta you do have good shit i will give you that." mark half smiled before taking another hit, and another until soon he was surrounded by thick clouds.

mark's head felt heavy,m, while his eye lids sunk a little and his breathing felt slightly intensified. it was only in those times did mark feel truly relieved.

mark didn't feel the need to cry, he didn't feel the pit, instead he felt relaxed.

he was taking another hit when he startled by a hand being placed on his shoulder, "son of bitch donghyuck.." he whispered.

"aren't you cold, you only have sweats on," donghyuck pointed out while taking a seat on the other side of the window, entangling their legs.

mark just shrugged while taking another hit and directing his gaze back towards the city.

he knew he loved donghyuck, but he wished he would've just stayed asleep.

they sat like that for awhile, mark just continuously taking hit after hit and donghyuck just watching him. it was mostly silent, except for the muffled noise of cars an airplane every now and then.

"want it?" mark stuck his hand out to pass it to donghyuck.

"me?"

"no the bird on the fucking ceiling, yes you," he sounded a bit harsh and it made donghyuck flinch a bit, but that was nothing compared to what he constantly put mark through.

donghyuck took it from mark's hand, donghyuck sucked in until he couldn't inhale any longer. he felt the slight burning sensation in the back of his throat. he held it in for awhile before giving exhaling and taking another.

rather than taking it back, mark just rolled another.

"are you sure you need another?" donghyuck questioned.

mark just scoffed while lighting it up, "with you? i need seven more."

donghyuck furrowed his brows, exhaling right into mark's face.

"the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

mark tried avoided getting high around donghyuck, he knew he didn't give two fucks once he was completely blown. he didn't get high to be cool, he got high because it was the only thing that allowed him to feel a bit a relief for awhile.

"nothing, never mind," mark leaned his head back.

"no, just tell me mark." donghyuck leaned closer to mark, waiting for him to answer. "hello?"

"so you can drop shit when i ask, but when it's me you demand an answer? what the fuck do you think it means hyuck, hmm?" mark took one last hit before getting off and head towards the bed, he grabbed a pillow and headed towards the living room.

he left donghyuck alone because he knew donghyuck knew exactly what he meant.

|

mark recalled the exact night when he let this go too far, when he let himself be completely engulfed by lee donghyuck.

they just played a show in bangkok, and man did they play it. they had completely sold out, a goal the seven of them had made when they first created dream.

that night they all ended up in jaemins room, they were celebrating with liquor and loud music. mark eyed the way donghyuck swayed his hips next to renjun while taking a sip out of his cup.

he attempted to avoid being caught, but each time mark looked over to him, their gazes were held until mark snapped his back towards jaemin trying to drink while doing a handstand.

that same night, mark was woken up to soft knocks on his hotel room door. he squinted over towards the clock:

3:24 a.m

"who the fuck..." he shuffled and unlocked the door. when he saw who stood on the other side his eyes widened.

he was sure he was dreaming, this wouldn't be the first time he dreamt of donghyuck. mark wanted to open the door and let him in, but he also wanted to shut it and go back to sleep. he cursed at his heart for muffling the sound around him.

"are you gonna let me in or?" donghyuck chuckled and that's when mark knew that this was not a dream. he stepped aside and watched as the younger boy trailed inside, he was wearing a large gray sweater and a pair of black basketball shorts.

"did something happen?" mark asked while walking over to his bed. donghyuck has draped himself across it, turning on his back once he felt mark's weight sink on the opposite side.

"can you roll me one?"

mark raised an eyebrow at him, "really? thought you didn't want to mess up your voice?"

donghyuck let out a bitter laugh, "fuck my voice........please mark?"

donghyuck placed his hand on mark's exposed back, sending the chills all over his body with his cold touch. mark just nodded before grabbing his bag and started to grind it with his fingers.

mark took the first hit then gave it to donghyuck, he watched as donghyuck stared at it. he watched as donghyuck stared at the pipe, the red bud slowly dying down.

mark just chuckled before taking it back.

"hey," donghyuck snapped his head up to look at mark.

"what's the real reason for this, im not about to let you fuck your shit up if I—"

"renjun likes jeno."

oh.

mark heard the pitch change in donghyuck's voice. the room was only lit up by the lamp on the dresser but mark could see the slight glimmer in his eyes.

mark was the only one donghyuck had told, and it was by accident. donghyuck was wasted and sad and mark was sober and alone. donghyuck just let it all out, even though mark felt his heart pinch when he found out donghyuck's true feelings he continued to comfort him.

so mark crawled closer to donghyuck and placed the pipe in front of his face, "I'll hold it and light it, just place your mouth on it."

donghyuck felt the cold glass slip between his lips, he watched as one of mark's fingers cover the small hole while his other hand held the lighter.

"just suck in until you feel it kinda .... burn i guess? and don't blow it out immediately, hold it for a bit."

donghyuck listened. he became a coughing mess after exhaling, mark just laughed at him.

mark was going to take another before donghyuck stopped him, he looked only to see donghyuck leaning in closer to him. mark questioned this, he could feel his entire face become hot the closer he got.

mark let their lips connect. he raised his hand to cup donghyuck's face and pulled him closer, he furrowed his brows and kissed him deeper. mark wanted to scream, he felt like sticking his face into the pillow and just screaming.

here donghyuck was, kissing him. holding him. here with him. mark drifted into heaven, he could feel his lips tingle and swell but he loved it.

because he loved him.

renjun likes jeno.

right.

and just like that, mark was pulled out from heaven and thrown back into reality. donghyuck wasn't here for him, he was here to escape. and that is all mark was.

even so, mark was unable to refuse him.

that was the first morning mark woke up to an empty bed and mind full of memories.

|

they continued their meet ups for awhile, but mostly on donghyuck's unspoken terms.

most of their visits, they spent their time making out and watching random tv shows. or both. but each of those times, mark could practically touch the sadness that radiates off of donghyuck.

and soon that sadness began to rub off on an already fucked up mark.

until finally if mark wasn't making out with donghyuck, he spent his time looking for ways to continuously rid himself of that emptiness donghyuck left him with.

mark usually never initiated their meet ups, it usually only took place when donghyuck showed up at his place or dragged them off to somewhere private.

so he continued to fidget when he waiting in the living room for donghyuck.

_"hello?" donghyuck answered._

_"what are you doing right now?" mark chewed on his bottom lip while waiting for a response. donghyuck was quiet for awhile causing mark to bite his lip harder._

_"uhh nothing actually, what's up?"_

_"can you....can you come...come over?"_

_"mark are you....are you drunk?"_

_"no..."_

_"it's barely noon!"_

_"can you...please hyuck.."_

_he heard the scoff donghyuck let out before replying with a quick "yeah, i can."_

mark waited for almost two hours until finally he heard his door open. he stood up to go greet donghyuck, only to be met with his lips being pressed against donghyucks's.

he let himself sink into the kiss for just a few seconds before he pulled himself away, leaving donghyuck with raised eyebrows and a half open mouth.

"mark?" donghyuck followed him back towards the living room.

mark didn't respond, instead he just stood in front of him with his arms crossed and his attention on the ground.

"donghyuck...," mark knew his throat was beginning to close up but he also knew if it didn't come out now, it never would. "donghyuck....what is this?"

"what's what?"

"oh come on," mark rubbed his temples. "don't play dumb hyuck, we both know your far from that shit."

he stayed silent from makes sudden outburst.

"can we not do this," mark walked closer to him. "just fucking tell me hyuck, you know damn well how i feel and you know what the fuck i want—"

"yes mark, but i can't fucking give you that...." donghyuck gritted through his teeth.

mark regretted downing those few bottles before this, he could feel his nose tingle and a large lump that he forced back down his throat.

"so what then? you just fucked with me for months? is that it—"

"NO...No...no," donghyuck went over to him, placing a hand on his forearm only to have him pushed back.

"just be fucking straight with me....do you even like me?"

"mark of course i do," donghyuck saw the tears waiting to fall in mark's eyes and he hated himself for letting it get this bad. "mark...we've known each other for so long..i...i just..."

"you just don't love me."

it hurt both of them.

"at first, i didn't think much of it..you were there and i was just so upset. i didn't realize how you felt until...until the flowers—"

"you're fucking kidding me? you really are an asshole."

"please mark i tried, i do like being with you. you make things a little more bearable but mark i just don't...i don't love you in that way."

mark didn't feel it, but his cheeks were stained with tears. he avoided all eye contact with donghyuck. he could feel his nails digging in way to deep into the palms of his hands.

"get out."

"mark..."

"no. just get the fuck out." his words sent a sharp pain through donghyuck's body.

he knew what he did to mark was wrong, but just couldn't stop. he hated himself, mark had done everything for him. he was there for him when no one else was, mark put up with him and defended him so why couldn't he just love him?

once donghyuck left mark was so filled with anger and hurt that all of sudden his entire desk was on the floor and his coffee table was flipped upside down.

"fuck," he grabbed the sides of his head. "fuck fuck fuck fuck."

he grabbed the half filled bottle and went into his bedroom.

mark didn't show up to their gig that night.

or the one after.

he didn't pick up their calls or answer any of their text messages.

and when they others showed up to his apartment,

it was empty.


End file.
